word of the week: friendship

welcome to another edition of WotW, wherein i take one word each week (even though this took 2 weeks - Wot2W?) and explain how it relates to the safe, sane and consensual non-monogamous community. this week's word is friendship.

now this is a tricky one, in part because there are so many different kind of friendships in our community. the main difference that i've found between friendships within the non-monogamous community and friendships in society at large is that our friendships are much more likely to feature a sexual component. beyond the glib "friends with benefits" label that is used to describe casual sexual relationships without any deep emotional attachment in general society, our friendships may in fact feature a very strong platonic connection coupled with occasional to habitual playing, which may lie in both the sexual and the kink realms. even with platonic friendships, i find that there is relatively less discomfort in seeing our friends in a sexual manner than i have witnessed among my heterosexual monogamous friends, particularly among straight men.

i've also noticed that i consider my platonic friends as important to me as my lovers and have just as strong a need to see them happy. i make as much time to see my friends as i do my partners, whether or not there are sexual elements to our friendship. if i see that a friend is not fully engaged at a play party, i try to talk to them and bring them into the action even if we don't habitually play. if a friend is having trouble with their partner i try to lend them an ear - even if their partner is a mutual friend. it's important to me to make sure that my friends are happy.

perhaps the most enlightening thing about making friends within the non-monogamous community has been to observe these friendships' effects on my play and on my relationships. when i first encountered a larger scene, my focus was firmly on sexual validation - for the first time ever, i was surrounded by a large number of people who approached sexuality in the same manner that i did, and it was important to me to take full advantage of that fact. i wanted to feel cared for, sure, but most of all i wanted to feel sexy and desired by everyone.

as my friendships grew, the drive to be sexy for everyone diminished. in fact, i began to place more priority on not being sexy for everyone - i learned how to set firm limits for myself as far as what i would and would not do with a casual partner, something i've always had some trouble doing. i found myself surrounded by beautiful, supportive people who enabled me to explore myself and my needs within the community without feeling the pressure to be sexual with them. in short, i found myself being cared for, and in turn i started looking out for my friends' needs as well.

friendships in the non-monogamous community may appear many ways and serve many purposes, but i feel that their most important function is that of affirmation. our friends enable us to navigate the difficult and often disheartening path of living an alternative lifestyle with the knowledge that we do not have to do it alone.