cream oil

it's 4 in the morning, and i'm still awake. why? because i drank two cups of coffee at dinner (thanks a LOT, marcus), and in addition to keeping me wide awake they made me hornier than i've been in a year.

ever lie in your bed, wide awake, slowly realising that the only remedy, the only way you will POSSIBLY be able to get a decent night's rest before work tomorrow, is to jam the longest thickest thing possible up your yoni?

i tried everything. i ignored it, but then the ghosts of fuckings past started popping up in my head. i masturbated my clit, cleaned up and tried to go back to bed. that worked for like an hour. then at 3 i started to masturbate again, half awake, and i realised that i was just as wet as before. goddammit.

didn't wanna wake up my roommate. i stumbled into the dark bathroom, lube in hand, in search of something big. i have toys but they're not big enough. i needed something gigantic.

electric toothbrush? it would make too much noise. floss container? i tried it, too many jagged edges. for fuck's sake, i even lubed up the lube bottle. you guys, PLEASE do not try to insert anything with a flat top inside you. especially if it is attached to your lube source. it can only end in failure.

finally, i remembered. the same thing that satisfied me last time i got this horny. the bathroom item i buy almost exclusively for its shape. the most gigantic thing in my shower.

the aptly named dove cream oil.

before you get any ideas, there is no possible way i could fit all that in my pussy. but damn if i couldn't try. i think i got somewhere between a fourth and a third of the way down, with the help of lots of lube, my clit finger, and my overwhelming horniness.

the entire process - getting up, going to the bathroom, looking for the goldilocks fit, and cleaning up the bathroom as best i could this early in the morning - took an hour.

and now, i'm awake as ever.

god. dammit.