XXXmas

as my parents and sister planned to come to town for atheist-children-get-presents day, they asked me to choose a restaurant for xmas brunch. naturally i chose the most expensive restaurant possible, an excellent hotel restaurant at which i had dined for my birthday. their sweet corn grits with goat cheese and gravy were sealed in my taste memory.

this time around, in addition to highly memorable food, they also dished up a bit of retinal candy for dessert. after issuing a standard holiday greeting, a suited-up busboy/waiter spent a few minutes at our table inspiring vaguely sadomasochistic service fantasies in me and i imagine tamer vanilla fantasies in my sister as well.

we agreed later that he looked like a robert. or a thomas. or maybe a joseph. but gazing at his tousled brown hair, button nose and sparkling eyes - which passed me an illicit wink in front of my daddy - only one name came to my mind: human lollipop.

i didn't give him my number, as i usually have poor luck with waiters. but visions of kinky room service entertained me for the entire ride home.

housecleaning

my nuclear family is visiting me for the holidays, and i didn't feel like cleaning my room. avah gave me the idea to post an ad on craigslist calling for reinforcements:

princess needs maid service - w4mw - 21
princess has relatives coming to visit her but is above doing preparative housework. princess needs a good submissive maid, male or female age doesn't matter, to clean and organise her room for her one evening this week. the maid follows princess's explicit orders, including not touching what the princess deems unworthy for the maid to touch. discreteness is important since princess has a housemate. if the maid is a good little sub princess would consider doling out a spanking and a hot meal. (princess is not above cooking as long as the maid washes the dishes.)

edit: for clarification, princess is not interested in rewarding with sexual favours at this time. however, she would not rule out such rewards for future maid service.

in addition to spawning a copycat post (prince needs maid service - m4w m4ww - 38, later turning out to be a jilted potential maid), my ad garnered many responses. i ended up going with the cute-sounding 25-year-old. blond hair, blue eyes, slim 6 footer...i was looking forward to bending him over my bed. oh yeah, and having a clean room.

after a few kerfuffles pushing back the start time, my maid came to my door promptly at 10 and spent the next 2 hours devoting himself to my service. he gathered the mostly unopened mail off my floor and let me sort it into 3 piles of letters to keep, recycle and shred. he folded the clean laundry on my bed and hung up all my jackets and overflow jeans that wouldn't fit in my dresser. he found a hiding place in my closet for my toys. he organised and dusted the cluttered tops of my dresser, desk and bookshelf, and he rearranged my books too. he found a place for my guitar by moving my as-yet-unused hydroponic grow kit (in which, for the record, i intended to grow strawberries) on my porch. and he stripped the filthy, 2-week-old sheets from my bed and helped me put new ones on military-style.

but at midnight, when it came time to reward my maid with a doctored-up version of my already fancy-shmancy split pea soup, he wasn't hungry. so i bent him, pants-down, over my bed in the hopes of at least being able to give him a satisfactory spanking. i don't know if it was the hard paddle or the fact that i had never used it before, but my maid had to stop after 10 or 15 spanks! i daresay my maid was a bit of a...(am i gonna go there? i'm so going there)...sissy. (OH I TOTALLY JUST MADE THAT JOKE)

but nevermind that. his email later that night said he'd be better next time and would be happy to serve his princess once again. and my room is pristine enough for even the most finicky of parents.

d-day

yes, my friends...i was deflowered 5 years ago today.

happy d-day to me
happy d-day to meee
happy d-day
my vajayjay
thanks me eternallyyyyy!

tis the season

or, the obligatory crap-it's-cold-and-depressing-and-i-intend-to-drink-myself-into-a-stupor-surrounded-by-awkward-relatives holiday gift guide.

i, like most doe-eyed young bloggers, am loath to refuse requests from my blog mommy, and when she asked me to post a gift-giving guide i decided to rise to the occasion. i know how important such lists can be because i am horrible at giving gifts. my method for figuring out what people want for [insert solstice-occurring holiday here] is to simply ask them. for example:

me: so hey, [insert slightly older sister's name here], what do you want for atheist-children-get-presents day?
sister: oh i dunno, maybe a book? or like some money? or chocolate?
me: chocolate? you want this kit-kat bar i have in my purse?
sister: ...um, how about we just not get each other gifts this year.
me: okay!

so yeah, figuring out what people actually want for their chosen holiday is an important first step to gift-giving. don't be like my aunt, who gives me socks with reindeer on them which i promptly regift to a homeless man. if you can't ask people what they want directly, i'd suggest figuring out what they like and giving them something based on that. for instance, if someone likes music, give them a cd. but wait, what kind of music do they like?? how's this: if someone likes rock music, give them a rock cd. dumbass.

there's an exception to this: if someone's a pretentious git like me, don't get them something in their field of expertise. i probably already have indiefuck band's latest synthesizer-based electronic glitch opera. the trick here is to get the snob in your life something tangential to their passion. how about a theremin-based futuristic dystopian electrofunk concept album? or the early memoirs of brian eno? or a half-pound of shrooms?

anyways, you get the basic point. due to the glories of late capitalism, there are a wide variety of gifts you can currently give your loved one/friend/brat kid/awkward coworker/awkward coworker's kid. here are some of them.

for your partner(s): i should dearly hope that you have some inkling of what your partner likes by now. i mean, you have been fucking for two years. does he read novels or penthouse? does she wear jewelry or flannel? is [insert genderneutral pronoun friendly to transpeople] a 1st, 2nd or 3rd-wave feminist? i don't know. you do. or at least you should. and if you don't, you should know whether or not you can tastefully broach the subject or forego gift-giving entirely in favour of a nice dinner and heaps of tantric sex. if you can't think of something nice to do for your partner around the holidays, even if it's just giving them a cyanide capsule for when they have to go celebrate xmas with the extended family, then you might as well break up because you are made of fail.

for your platonic friend(s): with friends it's usually easier. you certainly wanna do something nice for them but there isn't quite as much at stake when you're not fucking them. (what, it's true!) and it's usually easier to ask them what sort of thing they'd enjoy getting too. i find that the best platonic friend-presents capitalise on an overplayed inside joke. remember that time you passed out getting a lapdance at a strip club?? i do too, that's why i got you this peekaboo poledancing kit!! (come to think of it you could get this for your partners too...)

for coworkers: you're not bffs, you just work together. don't get them a $50 present, don't get them a book about jesus, don't get them a thong. but also don't get them anything work-related. when in doubt, give them wine. only assholes don't appreciate a decent bottle of wine. even if they don't drink it, they have friends and parents who do.

for children: this is tricky. it really depends on the age range. if they're younger than age 10 all you really have to worry about is giving them something they won't choke on. older than that i'd suggest instilling hatred of god into them by giving them phillip pullman's his dark materials trilogy. in all seriousness, three of the best books i've ever had the pleasure of reading. and you KNOW the movies are gonna fuck it up, so you better plan on setting the record straight now while they're still impressionable enough to be told they enjoy reading.

for parents: your parents will usually start dropping hints shortly before thanksgiving. if you're still totally clueless as to what they want by the time your particular family holiday rolls around, try the coworker technique of getting them their favourite liquor.

for me: how bout an eighth of herb and a rent cheque?