tis the season

or, the obligatory crap-it's-cold-and-depressing-and-i-intend-to-drink-myself-into-a-stupor-surrounded-by-awkward-relatives holiday gift guide.

i, like most doe-eyed young bloggers, am loath to refuse requests from my blog mommy, and when she asked me to post a gift-giving guide i decided to rise to the occasion. i know how important such lists can be because i am horrible at giving gifts. my method for figuring out what people want for [insert solstice-occurring holiday here] is to simply ask them. for example:

me: so hey, [insert slightly older sister's name here], what do you want for atheist-children-get-presents day?
sister: oh i dunno, maybe a book? or like some money? or chocolate?
me: chocolate? you want this kit-kat bar i have in my purse?
sister: ...um, how about we just not get each other gifts this year.
me: okay!

so yeah, figuring out what people actually want for their chosen holiday is an important first step to gift-giving. don't be like my aunt, who gives me socks with reindeer on them which i promptly regift to a homeless man. if you can't ask people what they want directly, i'd suggest figuring out what they like and giving them something based on that. for instance, if someone likes music, give them a cd. but wait, what kind of music do they like?? how's this: if someone likes rock music, give them a rock cd. dumbass.

there's an exception to this: if someone's a pretentious git like me, don't get them something in their field of expertise. i probably already have indiefuck band's latest synthesizer-based electronic glitch opera. the trick here is to get the snob in your life something tangential to their passion. how about a theremin-based futuristic dystopian electrofunk concept album? or the early memoirs of brian eno? or a half-pound of shrooms?

anyways, you get the basic point. due to the glories of late capitalism, there are a wide variety of gifts you can currently give your loved one/friend/brat kid/awkward coworker/awkward coworker's kid. here are some of them.

for your partner(s): i should dearly hope that you have some inkling of what your partner likes by now. i mean, you have been fucking for two years. does he read novels or penthouse? does she wear jewelry or flannel? is [insert genderneutral pronoun friendly to transpeople] a 1st, 2nd or 3rd-wave feminist? i don't know. you do. or at least you should. and if you don't, you should know whether or not you can tastefully broach the subject or forego gift-giving entirely in favour of a nice dinner and heaps of tantric sex. if you can't think of something nice to do for your partner around the holidays, even if it's just giving them a cyanide capsule for when they have to go celebrate xmas with the extended family, then you might as well break up because you are made of fail.

for your platonic friend(s): with friends it's usually easier. you certainly wanna do something nice for them but there isn't quite as much at stake when you're not fucking them. (what, it's true!) and it's usually easier to ask them what sort of thing they'd enjoy getting too. i find that the best platonic friend-presents capitalise on an overplayed inside joke. remember that time you passed out getting a lapdance at a strip club?? i do too, that's why i got you this peekaboo poledancing kit!! (come to think of it you could get this for your partners too...)

for coworkers: you're not bffs, you just work together. don't get them a $50 present, don't get them a book about jesus, don't get them a thong. but also don't get them anything work-related. when in doubt, give them wine. only assholes don't appreciate a decent bottle of wine. even if they don't drink it, they have friends and parents who do.

for children: this is tricky. it really depends on the age range. if they're younger than age 10 all you really have to worry about is giving them something they won't choke on. older than that i'd suggest instilling hatred of god into them by giving them phillip pullman's his dark materials trilogy. in all seriousness, three of the best books i've ever had the pleasure of reading. and you KNOW the movies are gonna fuck it up, so you better plan on setting the record straight now while they're still impressionable enough to be told they enjoy reading.

for parents: your parents will usually start dropping hints shortly before thanksgiving. if you're still totally clueless as to what they want by the time your particular family holiday rolls around, try the coworker technique of getting them their favourite liquor.

for me: how bout an eighth of herb and a rent cheque?